Is "Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin" even possible?

Growing up in a conservative evangelical church, I quickly learned the phrase “'love the sinner, hate the sin” specifically when it came to LGBTQ+ people. As I tried to maintain my ‘cover’ as a closeted gay man, I took this up and this is the phrase that I used in discussions with my peers and family. When I started to struggle with my identity, and what it means to live out as a faithful gay Christian, I began to rumenate on this phrase. After digging in to Scripture, and psychology of identity and the formation of ‘self,’ I would argue that this phrase that is loved by many within the Church is inadequate, and even harmful, when it comes to talking about inclusion in the Church for LGBTQ+ individuals.

Identity Graph Part 1

This is for several reasons, and it is hard to explain. Beside is a chart that I put together to simplify identity, and how I see identity in light of Scripture and psychology. This graph represents the things that make up a persons identity. This is not an exhaustive chart, but seeks to illuminate the general concept. The centre circle is our identity, and the circles attached to the identity circle are things that make up someones identity. These include sexuality and gender expression, but also faith traditions, social groups a person is a part of, and family of origin. These things are fluid, and can evolve and change over time; as one of the beautiful things of being human is change.

You’ll notice that each circle is interlocked with each other, and in this sense they make up a whole. By acknowledging that each of the outer circles is not part of someone’s identity, you are undermining them as a wholistic being with needs that stem from these different areas of their identity.

The saying “love the sinner, hate the sin,” and it’s intended nuances, does not take into account that sexuality and gender expression are core parts to someone’s identity. Often the Church talks about sexuality and gender identity as a choice of an individual, and so they ask LGBTQ+ individuals to suppress or disassociate from this part of their identity. Instead, they are treating LGBTQ+ persons identity like the chart above, they ask us to treat ourselves like the chart below.

Identity Graph Part 2

In this second chart, we see that the sexuality circle is detached from the identity circle, and in its place we have a void. When the circle is detached from the identity circle, we now have an incomplete identity circle. What the Church has done, consciously or unconsciously, has asked LGBTQ+ persons to live with an incomplete identity.

If we take a heterosexual case study, and asked a straight-cisgendered person (cisgendered means that you identify as the gender you were assigned to at birth) to separate their sexuality and gender identity from themselves, that would be near impossible. It means that they would have to give up dating, give up and try to suppress the attractions they feel for the opposite sex. They would also be asked to give up talking about these desires with their peers, family and mentors. They would have to give up parts of themselves that make them who they are. The Church would never ask this of a straight-cisgendered person, but is constantly asking LGBTQ+ persons to do exactly that.

In Matthew 11:28-30 we read “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (NRSV) Jesus welcomes all to the table. He recognizes that all of us are weary and carrying burdens that we did not ask for. He doesn’t say, get clean or get rid of this part of you that society deems as unacceptable, then come to me. He just says come to me. No special requirements. He asks us to come to Him as we are, and learn from Him and follow Him. He doesn’t say come to me and follow a specific hermeneutical approach to my teachings, but to follow Him.

So, does “love the sinner, hate the sin” work when it comes to areas of sexuality and gender identity/expression? The answer is not really. The Church should want people to seek out wholeness of identity, and this means acknowledging that queer people exist (in and outside the Church) and they are valid, and their experiences are valid. It means walking alongside them in their faith journey, not seeking to change them, but leading them to be more like Christ.