3 Things Coming Out Has Taught Me

In October 2017, I made the courageous decision to come out to my parents and, later that year, the rest of my family. By April 2018, I was finished at the church I was working at and that is when I was consider myself to be ‘fully out’—whatever that actually means. 

The last year and a half haven’t been easy. It has been full of lessons—both painful and joyous. While I have hurt so much this year, I have also grown. Through learning about perseverance, authenticity and community, I have learned more about who God is, and what He desires for His followers.  

Lesson 1: Perseverance

Needless to say, I get bombarded with negative messages from readers, or people who follow me on instagram weekly. Actually, I have been bombarded with homophobic remarks while on dates too. An example of this is when I was walking down the street with a guy and out of no where a man in a car rolled down his windows and yelled “faggots!” At us. At first I wasn’t sure what to think. Should I have yelled something back? What is my date thinking? How should I be feeling in this moment? 

It is in moments like those that I feel like I need to go back in the closet. On top of that I am now in an arena where many would consider me a ‘liberal’ Christian, and some have even gone so far to tell me that I am a heretic. Initially this really bothered me because at the end of the day I would consider the vast majority of my Christian theology quite conservative and Reformed. 

There have been moments, and let me tell you there have been a lot of them, where I have literally thrown my hands up with tears streaming down my face saying, “I’m done!” It is in these moments of brokenness that I am reminded in prayer or through friends to just take a step back and breathe. That these moments of frustration are just that—moments, and they will go away. 

I have to remember that at the end of the day, I am not doing what I do to ultimately change anyone’s mind, but I am doing this to honour Christ and glorify Him in the Church and the queer community. That is why I am doing this. My contentment needs to be in Christ, and our mind must be constantly on Him. We are promised that our faith journey isn’t going to be easy but Christ has overcome the world—and this includes our earthly trials. (John 16:33)

Lesson 2: Authenticity

Living an authentic life has been a journey I’ve been on for some time now. A lesson that started over 5 years ago when I told three friends that I was struggling with my sexuality and what that meant. Slowly, God has shown me that in order for me to live a life that isn’t constantly shrouded in anxiety and fear I need to live authentically.

For me, authentic living meant coming out. It meant telling the world my story and struggle, but more importantly my faith in Christ in the midst of these struggles. I have suffered with anxiety and depression my entire life and my sexuality contributed to this. This is especially true because I went to a college where I had to hide this part for fear of being kicked out. 

Psalm 139:13 says that God created our inner most being and knit us together in our mother’s womb. This means that God knows us better than we even know ourselves and this should actually bring us joy and contentment. This fact should allow us to breathe. This means that we must first live authentic lives before God, not trying to hide what society calls dirty from God, but laying everything at His feet. 

God knows you. He knows you intimately. It is okay to come before Him and live authentically, and this will give you the courage to eventually live authentically to the world. 

Part of living authentically means sharing your story with others. Through sharing your story, God is going to touch the lives of those you come into relationship because of your journey. There have been so many times when parents and family of queer people have come to me and wept because they are at a loss, or they are worried for their child. I have had queer people come to me, thanking me for the work that I do. 

When we live an authentic life, God is will use us, and our insecurities, in ways we never fathomed. 

Lesson 3: Community 

One thing that I truly learnt from the coming out process is how vital friends are in your life. It’s not that I was friendless before coming out, I had lots of friends, but the importance of those friendships is what I learnt. Before coming out, I took for granted those in my life who called me friend, and whom I called friend in return. After I came out, I did lose some who I had considered a friend, but more importantly I am lucky because the vast majority of my friendships went deeper than who I am attracted too.

It is these friendships that I am constantly being reminded of who Christ is and what it means to stay in relationships with those who fundamentally disagree with you. 

From the very beginning of creation, we are called to live in community with one another. We read in Genesis that God saw that man was alone and needed a companion—so he created Eve. Adam wasn’t alone at the very beginning. Adam was in communion with God, and the rest of creation—the animals and earth—but God saw that this wasn’t enough so He created another being. It is the sameness of Adam and Eve that brought them together in community. 

As humans, we deeply desire to be in relationship with one another, and I would argue that it is the Churches responsibility to create moments for authentic community and friendships to occur. In my experience with the queer community and the Church this has not been the case. I was asked to leave my Church community when I came out, and since coming out I have lost some friends because of my queerness. There are countless stories of queer people who grew up in the faith being, essentially, removed from their faith communities. There are numerous examples of queer Christians being asked to leave their homes, or their family making the home environment so hostile that they feel like a prisoner trapped in their own home. 

It is in the queer community where I found my community. I am lucky that some of the first queer people I met are also Christian and they have shown my that 1) it is possible to be queer and Christian and 2) that I am not alone. We need to live in authentic community with one another, and this means that Christians need to make room for queer Christians in their midst. On the flip side of things, queer Christians need to be willing to dialogue (fruitfully) with those who might not understand or might even disagree with them.

Both the queer community and the Church have not made this easy, and thats because it isn’t easy. When you have been hurt by an institution or people who represent the institution of Christ it isn’t easy to work through that hurt. I know that. But what living in authentic community and friendship means is working through the hard stuff. The stuff that makes our blood boil. This does not mean that if you need put yourself in a community that is outright going to harm you. I would never recommend that. But what it means is being open to having conversations with people you know who are actually interested in learning and then pursuing those conversations. For the Church it means taking a step back and seeing how you have possibly hurt those who are both queer and Christian, and asking yourself what you can do better next time. It means being humble enough to say, “maybe we have this wrong” and digging into Scripture, trying to remove tradition and preconceived idea’s of what the text means. 

If you are someone who is struggling with your queerness and faith, I want to encourage you to find a place where you can explore that openly with other people of faith—both queer and not queer. If you need help with that, please send me a message. 

If you’re a church or pastor who wants to start exploring ways in which you can journey alongside queer people, send me a message. I would love to start this journey with you.