A Year in Review
So a year ago on Monday, was the last day that I served as Children’s Director at the church I was serving at. So, I thought I would take a break from the series on the ‘clobber’ passages, and tell you my story. Well, just of the last year. This year has been one of immense change and growth, and even though it has been hard, God has provided for me emotionally, and spiritually. I hope this doesn’t come across as an exposé, that is not my intent. Rather, I want to be truthful about the events of the past year from my perspective.
For those who know me, you’ll know that the past three years haven’t been the funnest or easiest, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. This is because I am finally just me. Sure, I’m gay. Sure, I’m Christian. Sure, I’m pastoral by nature and occupation. But I am all those things at once. Each one plays an important role in my life, and one no longer trumps any of the others.
I knew I was gay since high school, but never came out because I was called to ministry. I also didn’t come out because throughout high school because I was called fag or gay, and I didn’t want this to continue. This meant, for me, that I had to hide the part of me that is gay. I was taught the Bible teaches against homosexuality, and that means I needed to resign myself to celibacy, neglecting that fact that I desperately want a family of my own one day. But, God (or as I know understand it, the church) required for me to forge on through like a good soldier. And thats what I did.
In my undergrad, I had to sign a statement saying that I wouldn’t identify with, condone, or promote the LGBTQ+ community. So I only came out to three close friends during those four long years. Then I went to a Baptist Seminary, and didn’t find any confidants so I remained closeted. During my masters degree, I was also on staff at my home church which is CRC. The CRC is a non-affirming denomination, and at times, it was difficult to work there because of this. One of the reasons I love children’s ministry is because I figured if I couldn’t have a family of my own, I would have to fill that void. Children’s ministry presented a great opportunity for that, and wherever I worked, I poured my heart and soul into those kids. While that coping mechanism was enough in the beginning, the weight of being closeted outweighed the joy that children’s ministry was trying to fill.
When I graduated from my masters, I was hired full-time at a conservative church. I fell in love with this church, even though I knew full well they weren’t affirming. The pastor that I worked under was amazing, and so was the rest of the staff. I learnt so much in my short stint there, and am so grateful for everything that was poured into me. I miss this congregation so much. But that didn’t stop the fact that I was struggling. Since getting hired on at that Church, I told myself if they extended my contract, I would come out to maintain integrity. During this time, I was also reevaluating my theological position on same-sex marriage. This caused so much tension because it slowly started to consume every part of me. I began to withdraw from friends and family, I started to not sleep, and my anxiety was through the roof. Eventually, after two years of putting it off, I decided to start counselling. And honestly, this saved me. For the first time in my life I was able to bring all these pieces of my identity together and work through what it means to be a Gay Christian Pastor.
Through this I eventually came out to my parents, and siblings. I am so grateful they are still in my life as this is often not the case when a Christian comes out. In January 2018, I was offered a contract extension, and initially I accepted it and was planning on staying at that church that had become my family. Then I remembered the promise I made to myself, and I came out to my pastor. I am so thankful for his reaction, and instead of kicking me out right then and there, which I somewhat expected, he asked me my story. Then he went through what was probably going to happen. He would have to discuss this with the lead elder, which was completely fine and expected by me, and I had a good relationship with him so I wasn’t worried. Then he handed me the statement that the church had on marriage, and told me that I would need to sign it as an affirmation of my belief.
I now had two options. The first one was that I could lie, sign it, and continue working there. The second one is that I could not sign it, be forced to resign, and move on. For integrities sake, I choose the second option.
In my original letter of resignation, I stated that I was resigning for theological differences. When I presented this to the deacons and elders, apparently, my integrity to solid theological teachings was discussed and called into question. These people who had hired me, who told me they loved me, immediately started to second guess that. I was then asked to change the wording to ‘personal reasons’ so that my leaving would be a smoother transition in the church. Once again, this key part of my identity was now about an issue. I wrestled with this, and after some meetings with the pastor, I just gave up and changed the letter of resignation. I was tired of fighting with myself and others. I could no longer wait to leave, but at the same time, I was incredibly saddened. Not because I was asked to resign, but because I would deeply miss the kids and families at this church. For almost two years, I poured out my life here.
April 29, 2018 will forever be a sad and happy day for me. It will be a sad day because I was, essentially, forced to leave this church. It will be an incredibly happy day because I received a standing ovation from the congregation when they blessed me but also, and more importantly, because I was finally able to breathe.
At this point, I reflect on some lessons. The first one is that I still love that church. I will be eternally grateful for the conversations I had with the senior pastor and rest of the staff. They have shaped and formed skills, beliefs, and traits in me that I will carry for the rest of my life.
Secondly, I learnt that there is still a long way to go for churches to actually demonstrate love to the LGBTQ+ community. There is a difference between saying you love someone and actually demonstrating that love to them in practical ways.
This experience, while both positive and negative, has lit a fire under me to see the Church become a place of full inclusion for LGBTQ+ people. The Church should be leading the way in demonstrating that LGBTQ+ people are fully and irrevocably loved by God and are welcomed at His table.